The Golden Apple
by tachiKC
Summary: What happens when three female love interests of Shepard are presented a golden apple that says whoever is in possession of it gets the man she desires? Inspired by the Judgement of Paris. CHAPTER 4 IS UP!
1. A strange gift

It was John Shepard's birthday. Docked at the Citadel, the entire crew of the Normandy had been givin leave for two weeks. Shepard, Joker, and few other crew members were the only ones still on the ship.

Jokers voice sounded on the intercom. "Commander, do you mind heading down to the mess hall?"

Setting down the data pad he had been reading, Shepard made his way to the elevator. Smiling, he stepped inside. So its going to be a surprise party.

This was his first birthday with the new Normandy. Chuckling he remembered the party his crew had thrown for him on the old ship. Joker and Garrus convinced Liara that the way humans celebrated birthdays was to dress up as Santa Claus. Needless to say her attempt at surprising him by singing "Merry Christmas birthday" while in full Santa costume had been hilarious. It had been a fun day, with cake and presents. Wrex had given him the skull of a Varen he had personally killed. Garrus a brand new scope for his rifle. Liara's had been a book from her collection on the history of Asari and Human interaction. Kaiden and Joker had saved up and bought him a new set of armor. Tali had crafted a little clock out of Geth parts for him. Ashleys gift had been special, he would never forget that night.

Coming to a gentle stop, the elevator doors opened to a quiet and pitch black mess hall. As he stepped out the elevator started up for the main floor. He took another step.

"SUPRISE!"

The lights came back on with the whole crew, with the exception of Jack. Who he assumed was still on the Citadel. However, even Councilor Anderson was there. This he had not expected.

"Thanks everyone," he said, "but why aren't you guys all out enjoying the Citadel? You didn't all have to come back and wish me a happy birthday."

Anderson stepped forward. "Oh yes we did. You are the savior of not only the lives of this crew, but the tens of thousands of more who would have been victims of the Collectors. This is the least any of us could do."

Dr Chakwas handed him a glass of Ice Brandy. "A toast to Commander Shepard!" she shouted.

"TO COMMANDER SHEPARD!" the crew chimed.

Clearing his throat, Shepard spoke. "I would like to thank everyone for this. I mean I DID save the whole ship, and I DID destroy the Human Reaper-"

"With our help!" grunted Grunt.

"Yes, with EVERYONE's HELP. And so this next toast goes out to YOU, the crew!" The sound of dozens of hurrahs echoed through the ship.

After time spent mingling with the crew and several pieces of cake later, it was time for presents. Garrus had once again got him a scope. Grunt had given him the skull of a Vorcha. Anderson had given him a tailored suit that matched his own. Shepard was opening Tali's when EDI chimed on the intercom. Sir, there is a delivery for you here that just arrived, apparently it is from Jack. Shall I send the package down?"

"Yes, thank you EDI."

The package was small, and there was a note attached.

"What does it say?" Asked Tali.

Opening the note, Shepard read it aloud.

"Shepard, I wanted to get you a gift for your birthday but did not know what to get you. I could not decide until Miranda informed me that I was not invited to your party. That being the case, I believe I chose a gift that fit the occasion. It is a gift for the entire crew to enjoy, as well as you Shepard. Happy birthday."

As he finished reading, Shepard glared at Miranda. "Care to explain why she wasn't invited?"

Sheepishly, Miranda explained. "Well I didn't want her to cause any problems, she can be a hazard when shes angry."

Shepard knew she was lying but decided for now not to escalate things. "Well she sure is angry now. You are going to be the one to explain this to her."

Miranda nodded.

Joker, not able to contain his excitement any longer asked the question everyone else was now wanting to ask. "Whats in the box!"

"Well lets see," said Shepard as he unwrapped the small package. Opening the lid, he peered inside. The rest of the crew all leaned in. The object inside he was not expecting at all. It was an apple made of gold, beautifully laced with precious gems. On one side it read "She who has this apple will have the love of the man she desires."

Immediately Tali, Miranda, and Kelly started to fight over who the apple should go to. Finally Shepard had had it. "ENOUGH!" All three looked at him, the mess hall was now silent.

Finally, Miranda broke the silence. "So... who do you think should get this apple?"

Tali, Miranda, and Kelly all gazed at Shepard expectantly.

Shepard groaned. This was not how he had planned his birthday.

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Hahaha just thought I'd play around with the idea of the Judgement of Paris by the goddesses Hera, Athena, and Aphrodite that ultimately started the Trojan War when he chose the love of Helen of Troy. Stay tuned!


	2. Three choices

Shepard looked at the three females before him and sighed. How was he going to get himself out of this mess? He gazed around the room, trying to find someone or somehow to get out of his predicament. Garrus, who had been trying his best not to laugh, finally did so, with Grunt and several other nearby crewmembers following suit. Even Anderson and Samara were chuckling. Thane merely smiled, and then vanished. Asshole thought Shepard. Mordin it appeared was deep in thought. Probably calculating the chances of each of the three ladies.

Then Shepard remembered from his days at the military acadamy reading about the Trojan War, and how his situation was very similar to the Judgement of Paris that started it. He had to give Jack credit. This was very well played on her part. Remembering this also gave him an idea. Shepard smiled.

Tali, Miranda, and Kelly, noticed this, saying in unison, "Have you made your decision yet Shepard?" Realizing they had, they quieted again, and began eyeing each other suspiciously. Mirandas face was cold as ice, her smile only making it seem more menacing. He could tell that Talis face, although hidden by the mask, was of a similar expression. Kelly's face was turning red with embarassment.

"I have an idea everyone. It is very obvious that the three beautiful ladies before me all desire me, but if I were to choose one, it would most likely not sit well with the others. And how can I? All three are wonderful women in their own way. And so I propose that it should not be me who chooses who should get the apple, but Joker."

All eyes turned to Joker, whos jaw had dropped practically to the floor. His laugh had been replaced with a look of pure terror and betrayal. "Why me sir?" Next to him Garrus and Grunt were practically dying from laughter.

Shepard grinned. "Why? For all of the pranks you have pulled on the other members of the crew, including myself. You've had this coming for a looong time Joker."

"Um... okay." Joker walked towards Shepard and the ladies, greatly overexaggerating his hobbling walk. Finally he stood before the three women. "Sooo, yeah, hi. Uhh I think..." His words drowned out into mumbles.

Miranda spoke. "I know that this is a hard decision for you Joker. But how about I make it a much easier decision." She gave him her most innocent smile. "You will get a fine reward if you choose me to have the apple."

"An excellent idea Miranda," Tali interuppted. "Allow me to go first." Brushing Miranda aside, she stood in front of Joker. "Joker, you are an excellent pilot, and have shown a wonderful understanding of machines. What if I told you that you could have whatever type of gadget or gizmo that you desired? Think about it, you have a Quarian on board who would be more then willing to craft such a device for you if you chose me. And if I can't do it myself, the resources of the entire Flotilla would be at your disposal. You would have the power of the most technologically knowledgable race in the galaxy at your fingertips. Just say the word Joker, and I can make all of that happen."

Miranda guffawed. "Really miss Quarian? Is that the best you can do? Please. Allow me." Pushing Tali aside, she started to slowly walk around Joker, seductively running her finger along his body. Standing behind him, she started to rub his shoulders and lowered her head to be next to his. Purring into his ear, she continued. "You want power? You want resources? You want knowledge? Well I can give you all of that and more. Tali may have the backing of the Quarians, but I have the backing of Cerberus and the Illusive Man. Practically anything you imagine could be yours if you choose me to have the apple." Coming around, she kneeled in front of him, cupping his face with her hand and giving him her most luscious smile. "Give me what I want," she whispered, "And you can have the power of Cerberus at your disposal." From behind them, Talis grumbling could be heard. Miranda winked at Joker and stood up.

Jokers face at this point was beat red, but somehow not quite as red as Kellys. All eyes were on her now. "So Kelly, Miranda sneered, "what do you have to offer Joker?"

Kelly looked up at Joker, then Shepard, and then back at Joker. With a nervous and embarassed look on her face, she began. "Um... I, I um."

Mirandas laugher interuppted her. "She can hardly speak. And why even waste your time listening to her? What could our ships counselor do for you Joker? Help you with your problems? Cerberus can give you-"

Shepard cut her off. "You had your turn to talk Miranda, so stay quiet. Let Kelly speak." Turning to Kelly, he said, please continue."

Kelly it seemed was energized by Shepards words, and started off much more confidently this time. "Um, Joker, I can give you the power of knowing yourself. Knowing what you truly want. While it may be true that Miranda can give you power, and Tali technology, it is neither of these things that you really want, is it Joker?"

Joker looked at her. "What do you mean?"

Kelly smiled. "Through our discussions I have picked up a pattern. You are missing something Joker, or rather someone. You are lonely. You want to be loved. Well through my contacts through GalaxyMatch and gHarmony, I could find you the woman of your dreams, one who is perfectlly compatiable with you in every way. Joker, love is all I have to give. I know that there are somedays you feel without it you don't think you can live."

Stepping back to stand beside Miranda and Tali, Kelly and the rest of the crews eyes all fell back to Shepard.

Shepard cleared his throat and looked at Joker, who was deep in thought. "Well Joker, there you have it. All three ladies have made compelling arguments for their cause. Do you want power? Technology? Or love? The choice is yours.

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Enjoy! About the Shepard x Tali thing, yeah it was mainly to get views lol, but I originally had this planned as a pairing between those two. I've got so many more ideas in my head now, plus like you mentioned theres tons of those, that I wont be going that route anymore. I apologize for any spelling/grammar errors.


	3. The decision

Third chapter is up, sorry about the slight delay everybody. Finals of summer school and all that. Got straight As or Bs! Yay me lol. Got a few weeks to relax and then its off to school again. Anyways, enjoy everyone! I'm sorry about the shortness of the chapters. Its gonna pick up in the next few chapters, so they will be longer.

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Joker was uncomfortable. Make that very uncomfortable. No, EXTREMELY uncomfortable. Two pairs of eyes, well three, but he could not see Tali's, were looking at him. Three pairs of eyes that belonged to women he had once told himself he never wanted to get into a quarrel with. And yet the decision he made today could very well create enemies out of two of them.

Joker let out a very long sigh and closed his eyes. He could still hear Garrus and Grunt laughing behind him.

Miranda, who was practically shaking with impatience, exploded at Joker. "Have you made up your mind Mister Moreau? I - er, we, are all waiting."

Joker opened his eyes and looked at Miranda. Ah yes, the one who he least wanted to make mad. Her wrath spanned the entire galaxy. "Um... I'm still thinking."

"Well hurry up," pouted Miranda.

"Give him time Miranda," said Shepard, "we obviously don't want him to make a rash decision do we?" Miranda shook her head. "Well then let him be."

Miranda stayed silent after that, and Joker once again went into thought. Tali, Miranda, or Kelly. Which of their offers should he take?

Miranda's offer was perhaps the most logical choice, and certainly very tempting. With the resources Cerberus had, he could potentially walk at last with zero pain. He could commission a fleet of Normandys if he wanted too, maybe become the commander of a fleet, and the captain of his own ship. But still...

Tali's offer however was very enticing too. He loved technology, and even though Cerberus could get the best technology money could buy, they could not buy the Flotilla's collective knowledge. He had no doubt in his mind that he could walk again using their help as well. Who knew what else they could do for him. They had afterall created the Geth. And maybe, just maybe, he would finally see what a Quarian looked like under their mask. But still...

Kelly's offer however was the most intriguing of the three. True, if he had Cerberus's resources there would be no shortage of women, but a woman that loved him for him? Kelly was one of the best counselors in the galaxy. Thats why Cerberus hired her. He had met her not long after he had joined Cerberus. Sure the Alliance military had shrinks, but none of them had been able to help him cope with the loss of Shepard.

Shepard had saved him, only to be cast away into space himself. Joker had kept a smile on his face for his friends and the crew, but inside he was torn apart. It should have been him who had been cast out, not Shepard. Joker had started drinking heavily, his work suffered, and the Alliance, finally getting fed up with him, gave him an ultimatum. Shape up or leave. That had been when Cerberus offered him a position as a pilot of a new Normandy they planned to build. He took the job gladly.

It was not long after he joined that he had met Kelly. The Illusive man had insited that he go see her. He had been reluctant at first, but it took only a single session for Joker to trust her. It was Kelly who had finally helped Joker heal the emotional wounds he had kept inside him about losing Shepard. She had helped him realize that it had not been his fault, and that the mysterious attacker was to blame for Shepard's death. She had finally helped him move on with his life.

Then they had recieved news that Shepard had been found, and that they were reviving him. He had actually be in a session with Kelly when the two were offered positions in the Lazarus cell by none other then Miranda. They had both agreed at once.

Kelly knew him well. It was true that he felt lonely. None of his past girlfriends had worked out due to his disease, and once he had joined the Normandy, he had been too focused on his job and the threat of the Geth and Saren to worry about relationships. Crewmembers joked about him and EDI, and perhaps they were right. She was a female presence that he could get along with. He had grown to respect and trust her, but she wasn't real. Well, real as in flesh and blood. He often wondered what EDI would look like if she were human. Maybe tall, beautiful, blonde...

Yes. Joker smiled. "I have chosen an answer everyone," he whispered.

Shepard motioned for everyone to quiet down. The mess hall became silent. All eyes were again on him.

Joker looked up at the three ladies, slowly gazing at each one until his eyes rested upon Kelly. With effort, Joker stood up and limped to her.

"I have chosen love."


	4. The aftermath

Enjoy and review!

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Kelly took Joker's hand and smiled. While she knew that all three of the women had wanted him to pick them, she had somehow known in her heart that Joker would pick her.

Mirandas face went from surprise, to disgust, and then to slowly to pure rage. She gave Kelly her most evil glare and then stormed out. As she left Kelly could hear her muttering how much of a fool Joker was.

Tali was staring at Shepard, who gave her the slightest of nods. Tali nodded in reply and then slipped out. Kelly smiled slightly. Of course, she had been suspecting that there was something between them. The small things she had noticed, the way Shepard lit up whenever Tali was in the room, or that special smile whenever he thought no one else was looking. It broke Kelly's heart, but Shepard was already spoken for. Amazing that Miranda didn't know.

Joker snapped Kelly out of her reverie. "So... how is this going to work?"

Kelly turned her focus back to Joker, who she could tell really wanted to ask questions but was trying his hardest not to. She grinned, and Joker did the same.

"Give me some time, one week at most, and I will find you the perfect woman for you, whether it be human, Asari, Quarian, or Krogan." Jokers look was priceless. "I'm only joking!"

Shepard waved for everyone to leave the mess hall. "Okay guys parties over back to work."

As the crew started to leave Shepard pulled Kelly aside. "You will find him a girl right for him? I've talked with Joker about this stuff too, and while he may not have told me as much stuff as you I can tell that he is really hoping that this will work out." He looked her straight in the eyes with his Shepard stare. One that made her knees weak. "I don't want him to be hurt. Not again."

"I- I... promise," Kelly whispered. With Shepard this close she had to fight the urge not to kiss him. Her face was beginning to turn red. In her head she kept telling herself that Shepard was already interested in Tali. But that beautiful face!

Shepard grinned, as if he knew what she was thinking. "Good." And with that he was gone. Kelly let out a deep sigh. Thank goodness. Another few seconds and she just might have...

"You know hes Tali's. Don't you." Kelly turned startled, to see doctor Chakwas leaning up against the door to the medical bay.

"Y- yes. I've noticed. But it wasn't apparent to me until just now."

Dr. Chakwas chuckled. "Its always thrilling to see young love, or I guess in your case young unreturned love. There are many other men in the galaxy Kelly. Granted they aren't Shepard, but you can't win them all."

"Yeah..."

Seeing that this topic of conversation was uncomfortable for Kelly, Dr. Chakwas changed the subject, motioning for Kelly to come into the medical bay. "So what do you have in mind for Joker? I am very curious, as is the rest of the crew."

Kelly grinned mischeviously. "Leave that to me."

"Any ideas right now?" Dr. Chakwas asked asked? Sitting down she reached for her bottle of Ice Brandy and offered Kelly a drink, which she declined.

"I have a few ladies in mind," Kelly replied, "Don't you worry. I will find the right lady for Joker."

"What if this lady doesn't want to be with Joker? What if her family doesn't want her to be with Joker?"

Kelly laughed. "Why whats the worst that could happen? It's not as if Jokers love will cause an intergalactic war."

The days went by quickly. Joker kept himself busy at the helm, but he thought about what Kelly had said constantly. At least talking to EDI and steering the ship helped him to forget it, sometimes. He wanted to ask Kelly every time he saw her what her progress was, but he was patient, and he knew that she would keep her promise. She had assured him that all of her time not spent working at her terminal and helping other crewmembers was spent finding the perfect girl for him.

EDI was having a blast pestering Joker about the subject. The other day she had even asked if she was a women if Joker would want to date her. Joker had waited just a tad bit long to answer, which had caused EDI to guffaw so loud that Shepard had come up to ask what was so funny. He had rolled his eyes when he heard what it was all about.

The crew had gotten wind of this, and later that night Garrus had played a prank on Joker, having a hologram of a beautiful woman with EDI's voice visit Joker while he was trying to sleep.

He was taking it all in stride though. Because he knew that Kelly would keep her word. And he would get both EDI and Garrus back. Oh how he was looking forward to it.

For her part, Kelly was hard at work trying to find the woman for Joker. She messaged her contacts at GalaxyMatch and gHarmony, and her friends on the Citadel. She narrowed the list down once, twice. Miranda was fairly quiet for the most part. Jack had returned to the shuttle, and she too had been fairly quiet, well at least for her. However Kelly suspected that one or both of them were up to something.

After a week, Kelly felt that she had finally found the perfect woman. Elated, she rushed to speak with Joker. However, when she went to speak with him she learned that he had gone to the Citadel with Jack to do an errand. Thinking nothing of it, she and the rest of the crew went to sleep.

The crew would be in for a shock the next morning.

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Sorry that this update took so long, just been really busy.


End file.
